January 19, 2011

Why Chinese Girlfriends Are Superior

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A lot of foreign girlfriends I meet wonder how Chinese girlfriends have such doting boyfriends. They wonder about the dynamics of these relationships that produce boyfriends who are attentive, adoring, and even willing to do all household chores. Often, these foreign girlfriends wonder whether they will be able to have such boyfriends too. Well, I can tell you that anyone can be a Chinese girlfriend, if you are able to enforce some basic rules. Here are some of the things my boyfriend is required to do:
  • carry my purse in public
  • not complain about carrying my purse in public
  • text me his coordinates every hour outside of school/work hours
  • spend the weekend with me (except in special circumstances)
  • befriend only married female classmates/colleagues
  • cook exquisite meals
  • buy me a thoughtful present every month
  • coax me into forgiving him when he makes a mistake
I’m using the term “Chinese girlfriend/s” loosely. What I mean by this term is, certain Chinese girls living in Shanghai. What I really mean by this term is, ME, so don’t get your panties all in a twist. I just like the idea that I represent an entire population because I have the best boyfriend in the world. Just take “Chinese girlfriend/s” as “girls who act like I do.” I also use the term “foreign girlfriend/s” loosely. It just refers to “girls who don’t act like I do, because they are from a different culture, so are less likely to know how to act like I do without these specific instructions.”
When foreign girlfriends think they have their boyfriends under control, they have no idea what control really means. For example, my foreign friend who thinks she is rather strict with her boyfriend (who lives in nearby Hangzhou) requires that he calls her for at least 15 minutes every night before bed so they can catch up and tell each other about everything going on in their lives. He must also come visit her in Shanghai at least once a month. My response: Are you kidding me?! When my boyfriend went to Nanjing on a six-month internship, I required the following:
  • a phone call in the mornings before work
  • a text during lunch breaks
  • a text when leaving work
  • a 1,000-character email in the evenings, emoticons not counted
  • a phone call before bed to tell me anything he may have left out
  • visits every weekend, except in exceptional circumstances (such as company events on Saturday, in which case I went to visit him)